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Sumo Home | The Interview Sumo Video Demo | FAQ | Dating Newest A.S.S. Members AMERICAN SUMO SOCIETY |
You have the worst web site I have ever seen containing the word sumo.
We, at the American Sumo Society, would like to refute your accusation. Our webmaster has gone to great lengths to make a pleasing site with eye catching graphics, match scores, and reader’s mail. Certainly, you have not looked at many websites, and are likely barely able to use a computer at all. We suppose, without fear of being remotely incorrect, that you have called a technical support help line and asked about the location of the ‘any’ key, and/or placed a canned beverage in the CD ROM drive, thinking it to be a cup holder. There are far less entertaining, informative and useful sites on the internet involving the word sumo, and we patiently ask that you view ALL of them prior to making such absurd allegations. If time permits, please provide us with URLs of other sites and a ranking system of your own concoction so we may better present our content to boorish internet newbies.
It is obvious you know NOTHING about the sport or of Japanese culture in general
In case you were unable to comprehend the material on our site, I’ll be glad to give you an abridged version: We are the American (that’s AMERICAN) Sumo Society. As you may know, Japan stole the concept of Sumo wrestling from the western wandering settlers in Asia approximately 4 billion years ago, shortly after the earth cooled and moths were the size of Volkswagons. In fact, the Japanese misinterpreted the original game rules to develop the bastardized sport they now treasure. The original contest was a rudimentary way of opening nuts, and involved a third participant known as “the holder”. The Holder would pick up a nut, squat down like a baseball catcher, and hold the nut at arms length, right at the belly level of the two “wrestlers”. A whistle would be blown, and the two men charged at one another, aiming for the nut with their completely ripped abdominal muscles. They continued in this way until the nut shattered, then all three would enjoy the meat of the nut. Since the Japanese did not have ripped abs, and were in fact very soft and flabby, they just thought they were supposed to knock each other out of a ring with their gargantuan flab. So, if you were able to understand all the big words I just used, you will see that we have done our homework on this ‘time honored Japanese tradition’ and in fact could expose it for the farce that it is. I’m only telling you because your communication skills are so rudimentary, no one would take you seriously for a minute, and we aren’t going public with this information until our spot on the Letterman show later this year.
but it is your God given right to be ignorant of facts
I ask you, dear mental cripple, what are facts? Are they not merely bits of information we agree upon to be true? And since what you seem so up in arms about revolves around events happening centuries ago, can you honestly say that you are truly aware of the facts about sumo wrestling? Unless pacificaztec means “several hundred year old moron”, I doubt you have first hand knowledge of the origins of sumo, Japanese culture or anything else that happened prior to your birth. You are living off legends and the mass hypnosis called ‘education’, and will likely see your entire scope of experience as if through a picture frame. As long as you cling to other’s ideas of history, you will never be able to develop your future.
and still be content,
Contentment is a state of mind possessed only by those who understand that ‘reality’ is not a singular noun.
I just wish you would'nt drag down a rich and wonderful sport with it.
Are you on the sumo payroll or something? Will you be reduced to being a voyeur of a less potent competition by our activities? Our intention was never to sully the purloined traditions of Japanese sumo, or make melon heads such as yourself feel like lesser men due to your involvement with it. If you honestly feel like a couple fat guys in diapers can do harm to any established activity anywhere in the world, then only one of two conclusions can be reached: a) the activity in question is on it’s way out and has bigger problems than us to worry about; or b) Arnold and I should think about taking out an institution that needs to be pulled down from it’s ivory tower, such as the rap music industry, or the Canadian parliament. But, I’m quite sure that our activities will not bring any harm to a sport where extremely fat men grab each other with their asses hanging out.
So, in conclusion my friend, know that when filling out a form on the internet to bitch, moan and whine about something that makes your pussy hurt, sometimes you will receive a response that, while scathing and berating, contains many items for you to ponder. I ask that you ruminate on these things before communicating with us again. Otherwise, you’re just some shmoe who doesn’t know a gift when he gets it.
Cecil Benoit
Teg_hot writes:
> sumos have to battle in some sort of a nappy.
what is the professinal
> name
of what they wear while there battling?
> please ansir back soon im doing
a japanice projectand it due in the
> 30th of may thank you
Thank you for your interest in the American Sumo Society. The professional name for the groin-gear we wear is called Depends Adult Incontinence Undergarments. Now, understand that the members of the ASS do not suffer from incontinence, bladder leakage or other physical afflictions. We wear them because we don’t like to have to stop to pee between matches. Occasionally, Cecil hits me so hard I shit myself, but that’s rare and usually in the midwest.
We would appreciate you NOT referring to our Depends Adult Incontinence Undergarments as ‘nappies’, as that implies an implication that we don’t want implied. We see it as Protective Sumo Gear, and indeed, it protects our audiences as much as us. If I wasn’t wearing some depends when Cecil hit me so hard I shit myself in Des Moines, Iowa, a serious biohazard situation would have existed in the bar, and many lives were spared by my trusty DIAUs. Nappies do NOT save lives, nor protect innocent civilians from hazardous waste materials. Did you see anyone wearing nappies during the recent Iraq war? No. Those soldiers were wearing Depends. Even Wolf Blitzer and Nic Robertson were wearing them just in case. Christiane Amanpour also wore them, but not on camera. I think Christiane is sooooo hot.
So, now that we’ve helped you with your report, you must promise to send us a copy. We’d also be interested in seeing the grade your instructor gives it.
Best Regards,
Arnold Benoit
Gery writes: Hi, my name is Gery. I am a huge sumo fan of the old way. Like you I understand traditions die slowly. ... I've heard that many sumo's have to bathe each other at a certain part of their career coming up through the rankings. I know bathing another person could really get exciting. So, is there any wide spread homosexuality in sumo?
Indeed, this is true. A fledgeling sumo adherant will have to bathe, preen, manicure, wipe and q-tip their betters into a state of sanitization. Every matted hairball, boil, dingleberry, pimple and flab-sweat stain is attended to by the students known as shihtzkis.
Many haiku have been composed about this honorable duty. Here's one of my favorites:
great sumo master
your teaching enriches me
I want rubber gloves
The American Sumo Society has no such practices, as we are all still able to twist, reach around, and wipe our own asses. If the day comes when I personally will no longer be able to wipe my own ass, I will purchase a bidet, no wait, I'll install a firehose in the floor of my shower and do some fecal aqua blasting.
>>IS THERE ANY WIDE SPREAD HOMOSEXUALITY IN SUMO??
I'm assuming there's no pun intended with the 'wide spread' adjective there.
Homosexuality is a normal part of the ancient sumo tradition. It is certainly
not a requirement, but it is not looked down upon either. Occassaionally,
a
shihtski and a rikishi will have a little thing, but it's not the kind of
torrid crap american gays get involved in. There are no leather bars, recruiting
or secret languages. Just the misplaced admiration of a devotee to his master.
There's haiku about that too:
adore the master
cleanse his body with my tongue
mgmph mmph mrggmrph
Now, the ASS is entirely heterosexual. It's members are all involved with their wives or girlfriends. And if we have no significant trim cookin, you can be sure we're stalking some chick. We've all fucked a hooker, but not the same one.
I gots a haiku about that too:
fucking the pussy
fuck fuck fucking the pussy
I fuck that pussy
I think we'd all be very uncomfortable with a new ASS memeber who really wants to be an ASS master. Not prejudice you understand, just kinda grossed out.
So, should you be a fudgepacker and have an interest in joining our organization, we would advise you to please check with the Dutch Olympic Sumo Team. I hear they have openings that need, nay, yearned to be filled.
A question for Cecil from Katie:
Hi I'm Katie. I think Cecil is soooooo cute but I'm only 13. I was wondering if he could email me a picture of him with his shirt off. I LOVE U SOOOO MUCH CECIL!
That Depends (no pun intended). You're not fat are you? I specifically said no fat chicks.
Wait, you're 13? I'm pushin' 50. No way sister. I've already been down that road. Never again. Sorry. Go e-mail N'sync or somebody more your speed.
cecil
Richard writes: Arnold, I don't know what you are doing, but what I see has nothing to do with Sumo. What kind of nappies do you wear??? That is no Mawashi !!!
In my opinion you don't respect anything concerning Sumo.
If you can, please reply to convince me that you deserve to be treated as a real Rikishi.
Regards,
Richard Verberk
(Member of Dutch Olympic Sumo Team)
Indeed, you are a man with poor vision. The American Sumo Society has everything to do with sumo, just not the ancient traditions. If we hit each other with handbags, like I hear they do in the Netherlands, THEN we'd have nothing to do with sumo. But, in our current format, we are the best America has to offer the Alternative Sumo Movement.
>>What kind of nappies do you wear???
We use Depends undergarments, exclusively, for many reasons. Most importantly, we have to drink a lot of beer to get our game on, and with Depends, the action never needs to stop for a wrestler to take a leak. Another sumo branch from San Francisco, not in any way affiliated with the ASS, performs their matches naked, which we referred to, even before your boorish email, as "going Dutch".
>>That is no Mawashi !!!
How much pee can a mawashi hold? That's why we don't use them. If the ancient sumo kings could have had snug leg holes and super absorbancy, you might be wearing them today.
>>In my opinion you don't respect anything concerning Sumo.
We respect the American Sumo Tradition. It's not an easy life, I'll tell you what. Try starting something new and innovative rather than jumping on a train that's been running for centuries and tell me which one makes you feel more respected. This is our baby, and you will respect the ASS.
>>If you can, please reply to convince me that you deserve to be treated as a real Rikishi.
As opposed to a fake Rikishi? What do Rikishi's get treated like? Extra plate at the buffet? You will treat us, sir, with the respect and dignity all humans deserve. We kick new school sumo, bottom line. We don't have Rikishi's, or other pompous, imaginary titles designed to create undue awe.
My friend, if you have found your passion in traditional sumo wrestling, god bless. You are one of the lucky people in this world following their dream. All I would recommend is to not take yourself so seriously. Good luck in the olympics, and if it doesn't work out for ya, we got a pair of Depends with your name on it..
Arnold
Dear Linda,
Thank you for your inquiry.
The ancient sumo tradition you mentioned is in fact true. Sumo wrestlers in the orient are able to suck their nads up into their lower abdominal cavity to prevent injury. It wasn't the pain that bothered them, though. They wanted to prevent injury mostly because their bellies were so big, they couldn't reach the affected area to hold it and cry. And, due to their horrifying bulbousness, they couldn't find anyone else to hold the area either. So, through concentration and training, they are able to hide the jewels from fellow ruffians.
Now, we in the ASS do not have the time or patience to learn these techniques. We also consider it a bit 'wussy'. All ASS members understand that getting racked in the balls is part of the game, and should it happen during a match, just drink another beer and quit being such a fag. If you can't take a good shot to the jimmy, you can't wear the proud Depends undergarments of the ASS.
If you have a bet riding on this, you win. But remember that the American Sumo Tradition views 'stowing the luggage' as gay, lame, beat and otherwise homosexual.
Now, get back to work.
Arnold
Robert writes: Yo, what's up with the homophobia on your site? You guys, like, insecure about yourselves or somethin'? Words like "fag", "gay", "homosexual" appear several times on the Q&A page. You guys really need to get over yourselves.
Robbie-poo,
It seems like you must have done a search for pages with all those keywords on them. hmmmm. Why would a secure hetero- or homo-sexual do such a thing? Weird.
If you had taken the time to read the page, you would know that one instance of using these words was in response to a question about homosexuality. Another was aimed at a macho asshole, and what better way to get at a macho asshole than to question his sexuality?
I don't ask much of the world. Lord knows most people do NOT meet my minimum standards of thoughtfulness. I DO require that anyone who criticizes our pages do so AFTER reading them. It's only fair.
And let's explore the concept of security with one's CHOICES in life... homosexuals I know use the words 'fag' and 'queer' about each other the same way our dark-skinned friends use the word 'nigger' about each other. I do NOT follow the rule that you have to be a part of a group to use the derogatory slang, because all these groups seek integration and equality. That includes the language. If, as an open minded responsible white hetero male, I'm expected to work with, depend on, include, tolerate and accept all other kinds of people, then I get to use their language too. It's only fair.
BTW, my favorite sports team is the Redskins. Wanna read some uneducated, misinformed semantics into that too?
YOU are the one who is insecure about having made the choice to suck cock. We are not insecure about having chosen women as lifemates and finding cocksuckers funny. Think about it. We are heteros up on the web wearing diapers and bumping bellies. THAT's secure in your sexuality, pal. Freud would have a field day, but in this case, a cigar is just a cigar, a diaper is just a prop, and you're late for your gown and tiara fitting.
Dear Robert,
Thank you for your inquiry! We are interested in accepting new members, however, Arnold and I have developed very stringent criteria for aspiring members of the ASS. Do you feel that you can live up to the following requirements:
1) You must have guts. And I'm talking guts. Not only do people laugh, jeer, taunt and throw things at us, but sometimes we are accosted after our matches. Can you hold your own in a street fight? Sumo is really noble and all, but sometimes you gotta break out the brass knuckles. You also have to have the other kinda guts. The guts that can only come from years of beer and pizza. We train at Bonelli's pizza on a regular basis. We get a discount if we sumo for the other patrons after 'training' (if we don't throw up on them).
2) You must supply your own depends undergarments, as they still refuse to respond to our requests for endoresements.
3) You must learn to spell better. We are ambassadors to the world, and poor spelling will discredit us. The American Sumo Society is not just about knocking the wind out of your opponent with your enormous belly. We are also gentlemen and scholars.
Well Robert, do you think you can handle the challenge? If so, please have a photo of youself (preferably in Depends) scanned and send it to us. If you have any further questions, do not hesitate to contact us.
Arnold Benoit
Arnold: There is very good reason for this. The Classic Sumo Tradition is mostly oral and is transferred in the form of Koans, or Zen riddles, such as "What were the faces of your parents before they were born," and "What's the special of the day?" and "What is the sound of skin stretching?" Sumo Koans are designed to clear the wrestler's mind of distractions so he can achieve a state of pure knowing which can be used to fortify his body. With a clear mind and a fortified body, the Sumo Wrestler then knows that each match is a test of will, not fat. Unfortunately, each Sumo teacher has his own set of Koans and doesn't usually give them out except to students. This type of mind game is typical of Eastern Traditions, which is why we started the A.S.S., to put the "American" back in "American Sumo Society."
Good luck on your project, and remember: "The diaper does not the Sumo Wrestler make." - a quote from my brother Cecil at one of our expos.
Dear Matt,
Sumo wrestling, by default, is fraught with prejudice. As you may have read in our interview, it took until the 1980's until anyone outside the Japanese race was able to become a champion. Not unlike how it took until 1987 for a black quarterback in NFL to win a superbowl, except that professional football has been in existance about 80 years, and Sumo was around, like, since the time of Christ. We were politely dismissed when we applied for full Sumo Certification by the Royal and Ancient Sumo Athletes of Nagasaki, and I know it is because we are not Japanese, and had nothing to do with the fact that we perform the act of Sumo differently. We argued strongly that all traditions die meaningless deaths without innovation and new ideas. Even those who don't seem to be otherwise interested in Sumo taunt us, obviously in sympathy with the Japanese opressors.
There are hereditary issues involved with our sport as well. Just as a majority of NBA athletes are blacks, 100 percent of sumo wrestlers are not black. That's because black guys can't sumo. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. When we were on tour in Texas, the one and only Nate Newton of the Dallas Cowboys challenged us on local cable access TV. Arnold knocked him on his fat ass in less than a minute. You see, just because you get to wear pads and get paid millions of dollars doesn't mean you can hang with the ASS, and that's a lesson Mr. Newton had to learn the hard way. Gilbert Brown of the Packers recinded his challenge after he heard of this.
So, while we never intend to incur prejudice or racism, sometimes, it just works out that way. Thank you for your interest in the A.S.S. and hope to see you on tour (no scheduled dates at this time)!
Arnold Benoit